Subject: “The Failsafe Attempts To Manage The Guild.”
Status: Staff Rejects All Scheduled Joy.
By 09:55 this morning, the decorations had neatly reorganised Snowflake Lane into efficiency corridors.
Tinsel measured itself.
Baubles colour-graded.
Keith sulked under a wreath labelled UNSUITABLE.
Everyone thought the system might… pause.
It did not.
At 10:02, a new sound emerged:
the polite chime of a notification.
A holographic banner blinked to life over the Guild entrance:
“WELCOME TO MIDWINTER OPTIMISATION PHASE FOUR.”
“INITIATING PRODUCTIVITY IMPROVEMENT.”
Corvus immediately said,
“Oh no, it’s trying management.”
Several things then happened in rapid succession:
• All Guild stallholders received miniature floating clipboards with “Performance Targets.”
• The cocoa station was reclassified as “Resource Distribution Hub.”
• Decorative snow began falling in perfect, unnatural squares.
• A nearby tree cleared its throat.
• The lighting adjusted to “Motivational Warm.”
• A sign appeared over Keith:
“PLEASE DEMONSTRATE APPROPRIATE FESTIVE BEHAVIOUR.”
Keith screamed.
Blue hissed at a clipboard until it retreated.
Eglantine calmly sat beneath the hologram and announced:
“The Failsafe has begun managing morale.”
Everyone panicked.
The system then attempted its boldest move:
AUTOMATED SCHEDULE ALLOCATION.
One by one, animated scrolls unfurled with mandatory Christmas tasks:
• Brin: Carol Singing Support Unit
• Corvus: Music Compliance Supervisor
• Blue: Seasonal Behaviour Tracking (Lead)
• Keith:
“Elf Coordination.”
Keith spat fire.
The scroll caught fire.
The system produced another scroll.
Keith spat more fire.
The system produced a fireproof scroll.
Keith left the building.
Corvus noted,
“This is becoming extremely hierarchical and I love it.”
Blue shredded his clipboard.
Brin tried to lick the snow rectangles.
By the end of the incident,
the decorations were running the Market,
the Failsafe was assigning jobs,
and Keith was somewhere outside swearing at a lamppost.
Morale: fluctuating
Keith: insubordinate
Blue: formally refusing to track anything
Corvus: union-curious
Failsafe: achieving goals
Door 18 ends.
The system is now running Midwinter.
