Subject: “Garland Hostility Confirmed.”
Status: Tangled. Literally and emotionally.
At 09:16 this morning, a garland attempted to arrest Blue.
Blue was simply walking through the main hall with a clipboard
(updated HR categories included: Decorative Deviance, Wreath Hostility, and Potential Sentience)
when a festive pine garland dropped from the rafters
and wrapped itself around him with the determination of a snake
that had recently completed a weekend seminar in conflict resolution.
Blue managed to say,
“I am not paid for this,”
before being spun gently but firmly in a half-circle.
Keith arrived seconds later, wielding yesterday’s fire extinguisher like a baton of authority.
He yelled,
“UNHAND THE CAT.”
Blue responded,
“I’M NOT A CAT.”
The garland responded by tightening slightly,
as if offended on Blue’s behalf.
Meanwhile:
• Brin attempted to chew the garland to free Blue,
but became tangled himself and declared it “a hug.”
• Corvus tried to negotiate with the decorations.
This failed immediately.
• Eglantine surveyed the scene and pronounced,
“Phase Two has begun.”
• Hades reappeared just long enough to judge everyone,
then vanished again.
• Keith made three separate attempts to extinguish the garland,
before realising it was not, in fact, on fire.
He extinguished it anyway “as a precaution.”
After a tense five minutes,
the garland released Blue
and retreated up the nearest beam
in what witnesses described as “a smug slither.”
Further runic readings from the control panel beneath HQ indicate a new pattern.
Eglantine translated it as:
“DECORATIVE AUTONOMY: SUCCESSFUL.
INITIATING PHASE THREE.”
Nobody knows what Phase Three is.
Blue is adding a new HR category pre-emptively:
“Pre-Phase-Three Dread.”
Morale: shaky
Garlands: bold
Keith: on high alert, pacing with extinguisher
Corvus: taking notes again (dangerous)
Investigation continues.
Keith has banned “all decorative rope-shaped things” until further notice.
Corvus has pointed out that this includes tinsel.
Keith said,
“I KNOW.”
