At precisely 08:03 this morning, Keith launched the official Midwinter Security Kick-Off by climbing onto a toaster, brandishing a candy cane “staff of authority,” and declaring himself “Supreme Commander of Seasonal Safety.”
Witnesses report:
He attempted to inspire the crowd (no crowd existed).
His tail caught fire (again).
The inflatable reindeer begged for mercy (silently, but we all felt it).
Several gingerbread citizens fled the scene.
Keith insists this was “a controlled demonstration.”
